Congratulations! Your business is failing. But why exit gracefully when you can leave a trail of chaos, unpaid wages, and shattered dreams?

Based on recent stellar examples from Singapore's F&B and creative sectors, here's your comprehensive guide to shutting down with maximum destruction.

Step 1: Master the Art of Surprise

Timing is everything. Why give employees advance notice when you can spring it on them like a birthday party they never wanted?

• The "5 pm on Wednesday" Special: Wait until your staff are wrapping up their workday before sending in the liquidators. Nothing says "we value you" like finding out you're jobless while you're still at your desk.

• The "WhatsApp Night Before" Manoeuvre: Send a cryptic message at 10 pm telling workers not to come in tomorrow. Mystery is romantic!

• The "Lock 'Em Out" Classic: Let your employees arrive for their shift only to find the premises repossessed. The look on their faces? Priceless. Also, you save on awkward conversations.

Pro tip: Make sure this happens right before payday. Why let them have that month's salary when they've already done the work? That's just poor business sense.

Step 2: Communication is for Amateurs

Remember: explaining yourself is a sign of weakness.

• Don't tell anyone about financial difficulties beforehand

• Ignore all emails and calls from affected parties

• Let the liquidators do the talking (they're paid for it, after all)

• Take down your social media accounts immediately—evidence is so inconvenient

• If pressed, release a vague statement thanking people for their "support and partnership" without addressing anything substantial

Bonus points: Hire new employees weeks before closure. Give them hope! It builds character when they realise they'll never see that first paycheck.

Step 3: CPF? More Like "Can't Pay, Forget!"

Central Provident Fund contributions are really more of a suggestion than a legal requirement, right?

• Stop paying CPF months before closure

• When workers ask about it, look confused and say funds aren't "available"

• Promise to pay "next month" repeatedly

• Remember: it's not lying if you genuinely have no intention of following through

Step 4: The Waiting Game

Make them work for nothing—literally.

• Owe workers 1-3 months of salary minimum

• Tell them payment is coming "by end of the month"

• Move that deadline repeatedly

• Bonus: Promise a "letter of guarantee." Never send it.

The Masterstroke: String along a 74-year-old who's worked for you for over a decade. When her son insists she claim her rightful wages, drag it out through mediation while paying nothing. Chef's kiss!

Step 5: Creative Asset "Management"

If you're in the art world, you have extra opportunities for chaos!

• Hold onto artists' works worth tens of thousands of dollars

• Stop responding to emails about payment for sold pieces (for at least six months)

• Provide vague promises when cornered

• When liquidation hits, leave 14 pieces from one artist alone valued at $100,000 in limbo

Remember: These artists trusted you as partners. Weaponise that trust!

Step 6: The "Downsizing" Excuse

When media comes knocking:

• Call it a "downsizing exercise"

• Claim a mysterious new owner is taking over (never name them)

• Promise everything will be resolved "by end of week/month" (it won't)

• Insist new capital is coming and expansion is planned

• Say you're "resigning" while remaining listed as director

Important: Make these statements while workers still haven't received months of back pay. The contrast is delightful.

Step 7: Maximise Vulnerability

Target those who can least afford to fight back:

• Elderly workers who've given you years of service

• Foreign workers who need income for rent and basic necessities

• Artists who depended on you as their main income source

• Part-timers who think $1,000 isn't worth pursuing legally

Their quotes make great headlines: "I will just treat it as charity," "We come from overseas to make a living," "I have no mood to work." Success!

Step 8: Legal Minimums Only (Maybe)

When unions call your behaviour "completely unacceptable and unfair":

• Shrug

• Sign payment agreements during mediation with no intention of honouring them

• Drag your feet even after Employment Claims Tribunals order payment

• Let MOM investigate you (slap on the wrist incoming!)

• If you have a history of underpaying workers, don't change course now - consistency is key!

Step 9: The Aftermath

Once liquidation hits:

• Let your employees apologise to clients on your behalf (they're so selfless!)

• Allow liquidators to store other people's property at third-party facilities

• Watch as your staff, despite being unpaid and blindsided, remain "committed to assisting the liquidation process"

• Observe workers scrambling for jobs during hiring freezes

• Note the ones who can't make rent next month

Beautiful irony: They're more professional in your company's death than you were during its life.

Step 10: Sleep Soundly

You've successfully:

• ❌ Destroyed 80+ livelihoods without warning

• ❌ Trapped elderly workers into treating their labour as "charity"

• ❌ Left artists without their main income source

• ❌ Caused foreign workers to stress about rent and food

• ❌ Made a mockery of employment laws

• ❌ Earned union condemnation

• ❌ Prompted MOM investigations

• ❌ Generated negative press

But hey, you saved some money on final salaries! And isn't capitalism beautiful?

Adrian Tan
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